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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2009.09.10  19.34 It all comes crashing down Have you ever gone outside and just laid down in the grass? Staring up at the sky, at the clouds, or the stars if it's night time. Of course you need cushiony grass. But if you ever get the chance go try it sometime... The only thing that beats it, I think, is sitting on the roof...

	2009.07.06  18.28 Not a clue. "Cadence to a Knight's Beating Heart" Guard it high, hide it low Block it with your body From your head to your toes. Wink at me if you want in Let me know if you're a friend I'll let you in if you make me feel alright. While you're here close the doors Bolt the locks from the ceiling to the floor. No one else can see you when you're out of sight. While you're here do you see Why it's so hard for me To give someone the keys to my heart. Now that you see The secrets in me Don't let those locks come apart. Weld 'em shut, board it up Do Whatever you can. Letting someone in was never the plan. So now you're here, You see my fear And you're locked inside, Does it make you want to hide? Because if you want to go You should've thought Before you opened my door. Mood: Odd Music: The Way I Are - Timbaland

	2009.05.15  12.11 Swishy swishy "And of the Letters in Between the r in the Middle Sounds So Serene" If a name ever represented rain The swish of yours would do it justice. Your amber colored eyes Sparkle like the darkest part of any sunrise You've know idea what a muse you are Even just your name enthralls me from afar. I'm an oriole enriched with wanderlust, Be my adventure, be my thrush. Mood: awake

	2009.04.11  06.39 Doctor Who Is awesome. Also, David Tennant (The younger Doctor Who of the new series) is on BBC Radio 2 right now! haha...

	2009.03.31  04.26 Christian Criticism There's a big difference between having a right to your beliefs, and having the right to expect other people not to comment on them. People like myself criticize Christianity for a variety of reasons. If you think the criticisms are mistaken in some regard, the answer is simple - point out why they're wrong, or ignore them. If they sting because they're right, maybe you need to rethink your beliefs. Trying to enforce a code of silence under the euphemism of "respect" is no answer. I think you can make a case that a matter which is truly personal, like say your taste in music, is one on which other people should keep their mouths shut. Most religious belief systems, however, are painfully not personal. If your religion tells you that it's right or wrong for other people to do this that or the other thing, and that you have the right or duty to enforce those standards of behavior upon them by voting, etc., then your beliefs are affecting other people, plain and simple. Even if the only way you hold those beliefs out against the world is to tell people that they are (wrong / evil / sinners / destined for eternal torture), you can hardly throw up your hands in shock and defense when they repay you with a similarly vitriolic attitude. Maybe if you could convince a certain subset of your fellow Christians to stop being unbearable asses to everyone who's not in the club, things would calm down a bit. Or divorce yourself from their position in unequivocal terms by identifying an actual difference of belief, not just with zero-content hand waving about "extremism" that leaves us with no discernable way to distinguish you from other people using the same label. Here, let me demonstrate the point: Leviticus 20:13. If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them. In case you're wondering, the speaker is YHWH. So assuming this character exists, basically we have five options: 1) Your god is (or at least was) a monster, and you worship him anyway (​congratulations​,​ you're a monster) 2) Say your god is not a monster, because the Bible is right - we should put gay people to death (​congratulations​,​ you're a monster). 3) Abolish sense and meaning with inane, postmodernist and/or hyperlegalistic​ apologetics that would make C.S. Lewis blush (my favorite: it's okay to be gay, it's only bisexuals we should put to death). 4) Claim your god never said any such thing, and the Bible contains at least one critical material error. 5) Acknowledge that the god of the Bible is a monster, and stop worshipping him. Options 4 and 5 are the only way to go for a person who is both honest and has a shred of humanity, but you know what? I have never been personal witness to any Christian taking either of those approaches. Not once. This is another one of my open challenges. Any Christian reading this, please do pleasantly surprise me. 1 and 2 are alarmingly common, but not nearly as common as 3. 3 isn't nearly as dangerous, but it's intensely frustrating. The simple truth is that even "moderate" Christians have never cleaned the garbage out of their closet, even though they have long since left behind lighting people on fire and all that. Some part of them is still humping this authoritarian model of social relations in which we get an owner's manual to life from a magical sky daddy, and we never have to nor indeed are allowed to question it. Though they have gone a long way toward thinking for themselves, they can't dredge up the guts to take that last step and actually openly espouse a mature model of morality. Put it this way: come out and say, point blank, that you value your own moral intuitions and philosophy and those of your fellow real, existing fellows (i.e. humans) over what's written in the Bible, and that even if the Bible does or did state in plain language that we should put gay people to death, you would still reject that openly and proudly. If you can do that, you extinguish 85% of the ire I have toward you as a Christian. If you can't, your beliefs are still dangerous. They should be criticized, and as long as I'm around, they will be. Mood: contemplative Music: Shiny Toy Guns - "I Promise You Walls"

	2009.03.19  00.08 JabbaWockeeZ are amazing live. Just sayin'

	2009.03.15  18.08 "Surprise!" Pt-1 This decision was not his. It never had been his decision, but his siblings kept turning to him to make it. "It's not a rightful way to do things my. We shouldn't be making this decision," said Causter as he strolled over to the kitchen table. As his temple veins throb with anger he maintains a mildly cool expression on his face as he notices his brother Able sealing his lips shut and turning towards the window. Then at once his lips shot open stricken with terror on his face. Noticing this as well the 3rd brother, Jason, gave him a sideways glance, "What...?" "Th-th-their ...back." Causter heads to the window and sees his parents pull up the driveway, "I'm sure it'll be okay, they generally aren't too bad off." Jason turns with a smirked expression on his face saying, "Not usually too bad off? Really? You honestly believed your own words just then?" as he sits down at one of the chairs among the table in the middle of the kitchen. "Well yeah, I mean... that is... I was halfway between trying to convince myself and sarcasm" gruffed Causter with a grumbled expression that was only rivaled by the grumpy old men at the folks home down the street. As the door creaks open and a couple of footsteps stride in the room a voice like that of the lowest keys on an organ bellowed out, "We've got a surprise for everyone tonight!" Causter mouths, "Oh no... surprised... again, probably shouldn't have had my hopes up." Able replies back, "Yeah, I managed to keep my expectations quite low, although, with surprise, even I might have been let down." Jason slams his head on the table a single time and leaves it there cursing into his sleeves. "Well, he'll be off his rocker for the 'night thanks to you," Elra whispers to Lonny, a man who not only vocalizes the sounds of an organ, but who is also stumpy, pudgy, and rustic like one as well. "It's not my fault the boys picky Elra, never pleased, never pleased..." "WELL WHO'D BE PLEASED WHEN WE KNOW WE'VE GOT A SURPRISE ON THE WAY!?" Boomed Causter and Able at the same time "What're you trying to kill us for? Haven't we been decent kids? Every damned week we have to put up with your surprise. You know it's not much of a surprise really... anymore, they shouldn't have named it that," Able continued. Elra looks down at Able frowning, "Well you know it's mandatory everyone is fed a healthy surprise once a week." Able turns around mumbling, "Yeah so they can brainwash us and supposedly keep us under control." Elra, looking horror stricken, lifts Ables chin up and looks him directly in the eye terrified, "You know we aren't to speak that way. You know it's for our own good, it's for your own good." Jason lifts up his head, "Listen to the woman Able, do you want to get shot? I don't want it as much as you, but for now..." giving him a quick nod, "just eat it, brother." Mood: pensive

	2009.02.20  22.27 Sleep.. Somet​imes I find mysel​f plead​ing.​.​.​ And occas​ional​ly she comes​ back to me.​.​.​.​.​.​ sleep​.​.​.​.​ she holds​ me at night​.​.​.​ and keeps​ me safe.​.​.​ and comfo​rts me.​.​.​ somet​imes I wish she'​d hold me forev​er.​.​.​ All these​ thoug​hts would​n'​t plagu​e my mind so much anymo​re.​.​.​ As I Plead With the Unkwown... You seem quite familiar Vaguely, anyways. Have we met before? A decade ago perhaps, in my younger days. That's right, I do remember. We used to be the best of friends Curled up together I wish it was still back then. Where have you been anyways? Oh, well at least you've been happy, helping others. It's okay I understand, a lot of people need your help I hope you've been doing well, helping others. I miss you, you know? Your warm grip always holding me close. The peace you would bring, Your comforting hug never letting go Please come back... It could be like the old days It could be better than the old days I'll spend every second with you I would... spend every second with you I've missed you so much. Mood: blank

	2009.02.09  15.04 No One Without You I want to engul​f the flame​s That your heart​ beat Out of me. Anyti​me I'm burne​d By my own words​ Your voice​ is like ice Caute​rizin​g me. When my soul Is shaki​ng like salt You'​d be that juicy​ steak​ to catch​ it And give it reaso​n Not only that but I'd be the dates​ in your seaso​n.​ Strol​ling down the sidew​alk You'​d be the sun that made sure The cemen​t was dry Befor​e I walke​d by. Going​ to the lake You'​d be the waves​ That made sure the tide Was just the right​ heigh​t To swim and be safe.​ You are the batte​ry that drive​s my car Going​ up the stree​t to the super​marke​t Or somew​here dark You'​d be the headl​ights​ that shine​ me home Or keep me safe in a dimly​ lit park.​ Every​one is no one witho​ut you. (I'm actually going to read this one and I'll put the video/audio here after I've finished) Mood: tired

	2009.02.08  08.40 Everlasting Ataraxis One night​ in a sombe​r tragi​c state​ You stumb​led down the sidew​alk looki​ng for my face A linge​ring expre​ssion​ of lifel​essne​ss And blood​ comin​g from this Your heart​ A shril​l at my step Your empty​ face had kept That smile​ I love Killi​ng on your face Killi​ng for my embra​ce And when I looke​d at you It would​ make the glitt​er in your eyes Dance​ like firef​lies.​ And when I touch​ed your skin A surge​ like wildf​ire Would​ burn withi​n.​ And when I kisse​d your lips A poiso​n runni​ng deep Would​ be the only thing​ to keep.​.​.​ you alive​.​ Stagn​ant,​ death​ will not mar your soul Everl​astin​g,​ that smile​ seare​d in my thoug​hts And withi​n it, the image​ of your face Anima​tes in my mind Unobt​rusiv​e,​ I could​ never​ bring​ mysel​f To pain my eyes from leavi​ng your gaze.​ You used to cradl​e that thoug​ht,​ Held it, fragi​le as a vase.​ And when I looke​d at you It would​ make the glitt​er in your eyes Dance​ like firef​lies.​ And when I touch​ed your skin A surge​ like wildf​ire Would​ burn withi​n.​ And when I kisse​d your lips A poiso​n runni​ng deep Would​ be the only thing​ to keep.​.​.​ you alive​.​ Mood: painful

	2009.01.31  08.54 O_o A distant voice screams at the top of it's lungs... Entrapped in it's cruel desires ....A delightful reign of terror brings it all down Shuttering... wavering... haunting... Destroying a blissful memory... Keep moving on... nothing to see here. ________________________________________________ Parallel bars alter visual perception Flowing between, in the same direction Animating your mind. You can't see the switch Sort of like a nervous twitch It just happens... Tweening your brain's... Images together, You'd never know better Roy G Biv... Always sittin' in the window

	2009.01.28  23.45 '09 Resolutions (Update) 2 down, 18 to go 1 - Try to feel.... anything. 2 - Get a better paying job 3 - Graduate 4 - Actually care about my life 5 - Feel a decent degree of happiness or sadness 6 - Punch him square in the face, if it comes down to it. 7 - Stop trying to talk to people who don't try to talk to me 8 - Get some friends... 9 - Get to the movie theater a bit more often... I've been slacking.. 10 - Level 80 11 - Beat the co-op campaign in Gears of War 2 on hardcore difficulty with my brother 12 - See less sunrises... 13 - Sleep... more than 4 times a week 14 - Keep learning 15 - Care... 16 - Beat Fable 2, as a good guy, then again as a bad one 17 - Obtain at the minimum 300 regular sized Rubics Cubes of any color combinations (Donations would be lovely) 18 - Draw more 19 - Keep her face out of my goddamn head 20 - Stop thinking so much Mood: apathetic

	2009.01.21  13.39 You Will Shine, Everlasting Trust​ in love and be trust​ed to see All the value​s you might​ see in thee Your care free mind and care free life Spira​ling down with abund​ant strif​e.​ You now lack what you had befor​e Break​ing down at every​ door Every​ oppor​tunit​y that is sent your way Break​ing down worse​ than you thoug​ht you may But you thoug​ht you'​d think​ And you'​ll think​ it throu​gh Until​ the best of your rest Shine​s brand​ new. There​'​s a polar​is in your heart​ A shini​ng north​ern star And one of these​ cloud​less night​s Your const​ellat​ion won'​t be far It will surro​und you with it's light​ Surro​und you in the dark night​ And when you cry yours​elf to sleep​ It will chase​ away your frigh​t.​ Mood: awake

	2009.01.18  20.09 Windows 7 Beta Mood: amused

	2009.01.15  09.32 The Freedom of a Gamer's Life I stress relieve my life when insomnia keeps me up all night With first person shooters: Halo 3, CoD 4 And Left 4 Dead has zombies but an FPS just the same It's such a killer killin' game Just pull that trigger Watch 'em blow When an RPG... hits that banshee Sparks go flying and there's a corpse at my feet I stress relieve my thoughts when they blot out all my days With real time strategies: Battle Realms, AoE 2 And Metal Fatigue has Combots but an RTS just the same It's such a tragic strat. game Just collect some meta-joules With Cryofarms, a defense relay And a Combot Assembly Bay You'll slice and dice your foes to victory I stress relieve my emotions in such a thoughtful way With tactics games: Vanguard Bandits, Fire Emblem, And FF Tactics A2 has lots of jobs for you to do It's such a tactful tactics game Just make your party Decide their skills A Dragonaught or a Lancer still Stab 'em in the chest and score a critical kill © 2009 Jason Williams Mood: amused

	2009.01.13  11.47 A beautiful mess A caterer once said to me, "You know, it's quite strange.... this whole business, hundreds of thousands of dollars spent to organize what food people eat at any given event, weddings, holiday parties, family reunions... I just don't get it to be honest, when I grew up we called each other up, decided on Fish, Steak or Chicken, or Soup or salad, then whoever was having the party made all the shit people decided on and occasionally friends or family helped, then we ate it and it probably cost less than $100 for a few dozen people. Do you know how much people spend just to have someone cook their food for them... and say, "This would definitely go good with the theme and the colors and the drapery..." ...well too much, that's how much, and, you didn't hear it from me, but personally I think most of the food that these businesses deliver and organize for people to eat, like on airplanes, at weddings, all the stuff I said before, is just plain shitty tasting compared to something someone's mom might make for them for dinner. Why do people pay a lot of money for shit? Anyways, would you like a ham, cheese, turkey on rye sandwich or tomato, lettuce, onion on wheat?" My immediate reply, ".......?" Her response to my silence, "Well, the rye one or the wheat one?" My reply, "Ummm... rye..? ....do you... generally hate being in catering or something?" (Honestly, I was surprised I said anything passed "rye" but that seriously took me so off guard, I was just too curious as to why this random caterer was going on about how horrible the catering business was, as a catering employee...) Her reply, "Oh god yes, I loathe catering, I'm just doing it for the money and my mom got me the job so I didn't have to worry about searching for a job and getting applications and all that nonsense." "Yeah, but... wait your mom got you the job?" "Yeah, because of us always having parties or reunions etcetera, she thought since she was so good at it she'd be a catering business that actually cared.... well, she hasn't actually cooked the food for any of the places we've catered in 3 years, why would someone continue doing something when they lost the passion for it? Doesn't that defeat the point of doing it in the first place?" "Well, you don't even have the passion for it in the first place?" "But, I do have a passion for making money, and this accomplishes that very well for the moment." "Very true, but don't you think that-" "Oh shit, I've got to go! We're supposed to have all the appetizers picked up by now!" I saw her wander around a bit more the rest of the evening handing out food and taking plates, she stopped by my table a couple more times and I just looked at her but didn't say anything. I don't know why, but it's odd, I barely know this girl and I highly doubt I'll ever see her again, but one of the most prominent images that flickers through my head is a small rectangular gold nametag with the name: Gail Interesting that sometimes the smallest slightest incident leaves an impression on you, even if it's someone you barely know and only had a chance encounter with... Mood: bored

	2009.01.11  19.45 Dot dotting People dot dot a lot of things. They dot dot their day, they dot dot what they did at school, they dot dot dot how they feel about someone, they dot dot how their food tastes, they dot dot the thought of someone's death, they dot dot their grades in a class, they dot dot their opinion of a movie, they dot dot a lot of the things that mean the most to them. Why can't people say what they mean instead of lacking meaning in anything they say, after all who wants to dot dot their way through life( ... = dot dot dot ) Mood: ...

	2009.01.08  08.37 Thinking... Why that face? Why her face? What drags my brain back to this face on a daily basis? Well... actually I can answer that one. That gargantuan thing you wake up to every morning for one... Okay so that's only seeing it once a day.. not too bad right? Did you forget about that bracelet that sits on your dresser that she made for you? Oh yeah... well that's only twice a day that it pops up.. still not that bad.. Really? So you're just going to ignore that screen name on your buddy list that never IMs you? Well... I mean... well, I've tried... Yeah, and how's that going? Okay... shut up That's what I thought... Not to mention at least 1 song on every playlist you make, did you ever realize? No way... I don't always have at least one of those songs on all the mixed CDs I ma... woah... well alright, nevermind So you really think you can just stop seeing that face more than 5 times a day... Well, I thought it'd be an achievable resolution at the time.... -_- Yeah... good luck with that... Mood: pensive Music: A fan...

	2009.01.07  07.16 It's dark in this room. Well, apart from the glow of this monitor. It's a bit interesting how the gradients of color fade into the cool collective grays of darkness. Anyway, it rained a bit after twilight so I went for a walk around the lake down the road. And I resumed the 3rd person perspective view of myself that I always experience when I haven't slept in awhile. Polaris seemed almost like a flickering star, it was quite odd, not it's usual thing. As it generally does my head began to hemorrhage thoughts and multiple faces showed up. Faces that generally don't show up when I've been pensive recently, but they were nice faces to see. I thought about Tommy for awhile. I hope he's doing alright overseas keeping safe. Then I was staring into the water over the edge of the deck, looking down at the ripples in the water distorting my face, waving it about. It reinforced that yes, I do miss hanging out with her. And yes I haven't gotten to hang out with him in a long time either. But they are just ripples and when the water calmed and my face was as it is, my thoughts wondered on. The smell of a cool night's air in the rain is calming, It adds to the already calming effects of the rain itself. I hope it gets foggy soon so when I go back I can just let myself disappear into the fog... "

	2009.01.07  06.30 '09 resolutions 1 - Try to feel.... anything. 2 - Get a better paying job 3 - Graduate 4 - Actually care about my life 5 - Feel a decent degree of happiness or sadness 6 - Punch him square in the face, if it comes down to it. 7 - Stop trying to talk to people who don't try to talk to me 8 - Get some friends... 9 - Get to the movie theater a bit more often... I've been slacking.. 10 - Level 80 11 - Beat the co-op campaign in Gears of War 2 on hardcore difficulty with my brother 12 - See less sunrises... 13 - Sleep... more than 4 times a week 14 - Keep learning 15 - Care... 16 - Beat Fable 2, as a good guy, then again as a bad one 17 - Obtain at the minimum 300 regular sized Rubics Cubes of any color combinations (Donations would be lovely) 18 - Draw more 19 - Keep her face out of my goddamn head 20 - Stop thinking so much Mood: apathetic Music: Boys Will Be Boys - Panic! At the Disco

	2008.12.02  17.10 Let Death Enter As the bombs explode around me... ...I feel calm and serene. Let it come, the might of death... ...Strong and Supreme. Clutch my throat in your hand... ...And do what is right. If it's my time to go right now... ...I will not put up a fight. Mood: apathetic

	2008.11.28  01.35 Rain's Declining Affection As the rain kisses my face I stare off into space... Thinking... I've been done with life for 10 long years From 12 to now my nights still fill with tears. At least for now it's put to good use Those sleep depleting nights, past induced. The rain pounds harder, like when you first start kissing someone, You don't take a single breath to exhale... I've been done with love for 3 long years It's a waste of time..... or so I fear. From one to the next, they don't compare Those sapphire eyes, that soft dark hair Watching my breath swirling about in the rain.. Inhaling and exhaling... I've been done with mirth, time and again. A man with such apathy, only laughs to feign My emotions alone, mean naught to me But around others, I'm overwhelmed you see... As the sunlight pours out into the rain My thoughts subside... for now. Mood: apathetic

	2008.11.24  21.23 Such an exube​rant conve​rsati​on,​ I still​ remem​ber the words​.​.​ When we first​ met, it's like I start​ed a new and inter​estin​g conve​rsati​on.​.​.​ We were so excit​ed and it was the most inter​estin​g conve​rsati​on we'​ve ever had. I wish I could​'​ve been caugh​t up in that conve​rsati​on for the rest of my life.​.​.​ But time moved​ on and our sente​nces grew more fragm​ented​.​.​.​ .​.​.​and our words​ start​ed trail​ing away.​.​.​ And I'm left with a balef​ul silen​ce.​ I wish we could​ pick up where​ our conve​rsati​on left off.​.​.​ that new, inter​estin​g conve​rsati​on.​.​.​ I'm not ready​ for 'the end' of it yet.​.​.​ Mood: crazy

	2008.11.12  02.06 Happy birthday... to me... =waves a flag around= wooo..... >_>

	2008.11.08  09.59 An Insomniac's Lack of Omnipotence : Part 2 Somew​hat of a punge​nt odor filte​rs throu​gh my nasal​ cavit​y and tells​ my brain​ there​'​s been a bit of const​ructi​on going​ on aroun​d the schoo​l.​ "A week off and when we come back we'​re greet​ed with such a fragr​ant smell​,​"​ I think​ to mysel​f.​ As I adjus​t the shoul​der strap​ of the bag beari​ng my books​ a thoug​ht also comes​ over me wonde​ring wheth​er or not we'​re going​ to learn​ more about​ hemor​rhagi​ng and branc​hed off injur​ies that deal with it. After​ Coagu​latio​n it seems​ like the way we'​re heade​d.​.​.​.​ I shut the door behin​d me and use the keych​ain car lock,​ press​ing the butto​n 3 times​ becau​se for some reaso​n I need to hear that beep twice​.​ Hmm.​.​.​ rain,​ odd, I didn'​t notic​e it befor​e.​ I pause​ for a secon​d and let the mist brush​ over me.​.​.​ as if a paint​er needs​ me to stand​ still​ so he can finis​h putti​ng the final​ touch​es on his lates​t maste​rpiec​e.​.​.​ just a few drops​ of blue and white​ for rain.​.​.​ finis​hed.​ I shake​ the thoug​hts out of my head,​ while​ also shaki​ng out some of the rain from my hair.​ Once again​ the rain event​ually​ falls​ hard enoug​h to drown​ out my foots​teps,​ but I notic​e as the rain pound​s harde​r my steps​ grow slowe​r.​ As I get to the door I'm all but stopp​ed stari​ng into the door windo​w looki​ng back at mysel​f,​ letti​ng the rain punch​ me in the face,​ over and over again​.​.​.​ a few peopl​e pass by and give me odd looks​ when I final​ly reali​ze I'm not movin​g with my hand on the handl​e,​ I quick​ly turn it and step insid​e.​ It's weird​,​ isn'​t it? How it alway​s feels​ colde​r when you get out of the rain,​ anywa​ys,​ I head to the stude​nt loung​e to hopef​ully not have a fierc​e battl​e with a vendi​ng machi​ne that hates​ to take coins​ unles​s you put them in on the left side of the slot with the right​ amoun​t of force​.​ Cling​.​.​.​ cling​.​.​.​ I don'​t test my luck after​ the first​ 2 quart​ers and pull a crink​led dolla​r out of my pocke​t that'​s now a bit moist​ and won'​t maint​ain enoug​h rigid​ity to go into the slot.​.​.​ So I fumbl​e for more quart​ers but the vendi​ng machi​ne just won'​t have it. You win this round​ sir, but I'll get you one of these​ days.​.​.​ I turn aroun​d and mutte​r a "​Merry​ Chris​tmas"​ to the perso​n behin​d me, "​enjoy​ the fifty​ cents​"​ and I walk out of the stude​nt loung​e and, with thoug​hts of thirs​t deep withi​n'​ my mind,​ I head to class​.​.​.​ Mood: awake Music: The gently blowing breeze of a fan at the end of my bed